Delor.es.Defacto
she knew she had to change her plans
And I've done things in small doses
It’s weird how the temptation to get down on yourself shows up. First it starts with some little insecurity. You contemplate it for a day or two then you finally try to get it wrapped around your head that it’s all right. But in the meantime, while analyzing it, you decide, nope, not okay. That’s then when the self criticism gets a little hook to sink into you. That’s when you have to toss it off all together or you’ll let it manifest; drag you down. I’ve seen that happen time and time again in myself. I never know why or how before. Now I recognize it and can walk away.
I’ve been so frustrated and cranky lately. Before it was just my weight and my absolute inability to stop eating (or so I thought). Then I realized I’m just by myself. I always hated to admit that word “lonely” because it sounds so pathetic and vulgar, but that’s what it is. I don’t have anyone to hang out with while my Mister is so far away, so it’s just me day in and day out, trying to make the time go by. This weekend, it just got to me.
And now I’m writing a blog post instead of doing my homework.
It’s been a few days since I started this post and now I’m a lot better than I was. Still, I have something that is plaguing me in a bad way and I’m not sure what to do about it. It’s very girlie and cliché to talk about dieting and losing weight; I understand that. But every day it’s a whole battle. I lost weight before, when I smoked and had nothing in my life but myself to obsess over. Now, I just can’t not eat. I try. I count my Weight Watcher points, I go to the gym, but it’s not enough.
When I lost my weight the first time, I realized that you really do have to be mildly anorexic to get any results. This just isn’t an option for me anymore. I’m hungry. I want food. I’ve taken the stuff that makes you want less food; it made me sick. My doctor told me that it spikes your blood pressure and, hence, I had a massive, horrible headache after taking it. Exercise is good, yes, but you have to work your ass off to get any results, and then you waste your hard work eating something that tastes good. It makes you feel even worse, like you still lost the battle.
So I’m not sure what to do now. I’m not overeating at all, I’m sincere about this. But I’m still sitting in between two pesky pounds. When I do go to the gym, all I get is 2 extra points for walking 30 minutes. Same as if I jogged and walked. Pointless to jog, so I quit. I can’t eat anything that isn’t from the grocery store. If you get a Subway sub, it’s almost as many points as getting a cheeseburger from Wendy’s. Again, pointless. Both have vegetables so in the dieting game of “I want to eat and not drive myself crazy” you just can’t even think about having something that’s not pre-packaged, low fat, non-fat, low sugar, less calories, etc. etc.
Yes, it is maddening. I mean, I feel like the whiniest, weakest person for not being able to eat just one regular meal for the day and have something small every other time I’m hungry. And when I say small, I mean, half a can of chicken noodle soup, or a handful of Special K crackers. And maybe if I trained myself to do it, I could eat less. But right now, it just isn’t happening. I look at all these food commercials they have on television now and think, “How can these places still be in business? Lord knows, none of us can eat this junk!”
Anyway, that’s just my body mass, self control, obsession I have now that I had to get off my chest. I’ve though about another diet other than Weight Watchers; maybe that would work. All I know is I just can’t not eat. I eat low fat, but I still need food. Since I’ve been sick from my ulcer, not having anything in my stomach after a while makes it flair up, so even if I have a piece of toast, it’s got to be eaten or I get sick.
I’m not sure what exactly to do, but I’m tired of being so upset at myself about it anymore. Maybe it’s just the plateau that everyone goes through. Maybe I should walk an hour every day instead. I don’t know what else would help, but what use to work just doesn’t anymore. I still say finding happiness makes that self sacrificing bug leave us. And I think that’s good. But when you want to reach a goal for yourself and you just struggle and struggle with yourself, it’s quite emotionally tiring. Happiness is way more fun. I probably shouldn’t even let any of this bother me anymore but the possibility of getting overweight again is just something I want to risk.
http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=122
More alive than you’ve ever been
I’m sitting here, waiting for the Ares rocket to go up, and I figured I’d start this long, overdue blog post. It’s hot and muggy outside and I can’t believe it’s almost Halloween. I’m going to be so glad to move and be around some decent weather for a change. (Actually, there are thousands of reasons why I’m glad to be moving; this is just one of them.)
So what’s happened lately? Well, a lot of things I guess. There were plenty of things I wanted to mention in the times where I wasn’t writing, and of course I forget all they were now. At first I thought I’d write to complain. Then I thought I’d make another list. I have no idea where this will go, but I’ll update nonetheless.
First off, I’m sick of dieting. Sick of it because I’ve gotten to a weight I can’t get past. Even if it looks like I’m going to drop a pound, it shows right back up by my weigh in day. I’ve stuck to the Weight Watchers, I’ve exercised and yet I’m at a plateau. I never had that problem before when I dropped all that weight. But then again, I also didn’t have this 35 extra weekly points, plus exercise points to swap, like I do now. I think eating 21 points a day and that’s it, is the only way for me to lose. And that’s so annoying because I want to eat these days. Before I could go without eating a lot, now I just can’t. It’s like sleep; I start getting worried that I won’t have enough of it. So like in the afternoon I think, “Okay, I can eat something work 6 points” but then I think, “but in the afternoon I will only have so many points left and I’ll be hungry. What will I do then?” Goes the same way with sleep. I’d go to sleep super early because I’d worry that I wouldn’t be able to get to sleep and then now have enough. Plus my job was so ridiculously monotonous and boring that it would almost panic me to think I’d be tired on top of that. Like a torture device; being tired and not allowed to sleep.
Second, I had to stop talking to my friend. Now I’ve been going on about how I’ve changed, and I really have. So there was a lot of distance between us to begin with, because we’d both gone into different directions. It wasn’t anything major, it was just the normal course of life. At least that was how I interpreted it in my logical sense of things. In all honesty, I was the one who was slighted first because I wasn’t working and she had all the time in the world for her work friends and never wanted to hang out and do things with me. If she did, it was with her friends too, so clearly I wasn’t that important to just spend time with. But the thing was, I’d known that girl for years through my best friend in high school. When my best friend’s antics became increasingly worse and it started involving drugs and drinking the mental problems she had exploded and I had to stop being around her. That’s how I started hanging out with my recent friend more. And it was simply circumstantial. We wanted to go to the club, we wanted to stay up and watch movies, it was a fine friendship.
But the thing with me and my gal friends has always been that I know when it’s time to go in another direction. I’ve never been the kind to put friends over a significant other (not that I had one during my twenties, but I never understood why women thought their friends were the lasting ones and guys would come and go; isn’t that kind of backwards to the way things are supposed to be?) Anyway, so as my friend found her husband she still had me come visit but it slowly became into something I knew wasn’t giving me anything back. It just seemed like she would invite me over so she could ask me to do something for her. Or, if she’d invite me over she would sit and yell at her husband, or me, or interrupt what anyone said to her, cussing at everyone, being condescending, barking orders, etc. She never really acted like she wanted to spend time with anyone, she just though complaining and arguing was the way to behave.
So then I’d stop calling. She would call twice a month, then once a month. Every time she did, I’d come over, we’d watch TV, she’d tell me all her complaints about her husband or someone in her family or anything else that bothered her. Then the next day or so, she’d call and ask me to do something for her. So I finally accepted, after all these years of seeing the signs of manipulation and inviting me over around holidays, that she wanted me to do house sit or so something for her. Just ridiculous things like that. Again, I’d never ask her to do a thing, yet I was constantly called for “favors.” So wrong.
When I met my Mister, I realized what kind of negative effects she had on me and I needed to be away from her to enjoy my courtship with him. I didn’t want to be some angry, shouty, critical person. I wanted to be the friendly, sweet person I knew I was inside (and who my Mister saw in me.) When I started working, I realized that there were nice Christian people in the world who acted the way they should. They didn’t shout, or criticize or expect you to do things for them all the time. I ended up having people in my life who were kind and supportive and genuine. I’d never really experienced that before.
When my friend wouldn’t call on Saturdays, I’d be relieved. I’d text her and say, “no, sorry, can’t come over” and I just knew I wasn’t going to go over there anymore. I eventually stopped talking to her, yet she’d still leave me voicemail asking if I could do something for someone in her family, or if I can come and take care of her pets because she and her husband wanted to go on vacation. After I hadn’t talked to her and saw that this was her only urgency in wanting me as a friend, I knew the time for our fun and closeness was over and had been over for years. When we’d first been around her, me and my high school friend saw these annoying traits in her. Once I got to know her, I brushed them off and they weren’t as over the top. Over the years they just progressed into more and more angry strife that no one wants to be around. I felt bad for hurting her but I finally had to tell her that she was unbearable to be around anymore, to which she thought was ridiculous and out of the blue. I know it’s hard to be confronted, and I told her I didn’t like doing it but I really hope it’s helped her marriage and her relationships with her friends at work. All of us have said something to her at one point, but she just goes around contradicting everything anyone says, cursing at them and worrying about how they can serve her. I only wrote her a short email and was as gentle as possible about making her aware of how she treats people. I told her that she’s right, I’ve changed and for the better. I don’t sincerely believe she didn’t realize I had pulled away from her completely and had for years, and that she never asked people to do anything for her. I think it was all tricks of guilt and manipulation and, again, it’s strife and negativity and anger that I want no part of in my life anymore.
{wipes dust off of my hands}
Thirdly, I’m in my in-between time. My changing point. My waiting period. I have my whole life with Mister to look forward to, but that won’t begin until next year. Until then I go back and forth to work as they need me (right now they don’t need me.) I also have my classes I’m still working on and I procrastinate so much on them and I know that has to stop soon too. I’ve got to get that rebellious spirit out of me; the one who doesn’t want to do things just because she has to. But I’m so much better than I was, because of all this stuff going on in my waiting period. I’m not depressed, I’m not angry or bitter. All that junk I had carrying around with me is gone, thank God. So all I can think of is how great my life is, even with Mister across the ocean, I’m happy. And we have such a great future. Wow, it’s just amazing, all of it.
This is what I wanted in life. I wanted that closeness with my life partner, my companion, my best friend. That is the important part of life and having it is wonderful.
http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=121
Don’t know what I can’t describe
In my last post I forgot to mention how I realized that work is a lot like school. This doesn’t seem like much of an analogy, but when I was in school I wanted to spend my time daydreaming, writing, anything else that I wanted to do. I never could get into the mindset of just doing what I was supposed to be doing, just because someone said I should. Granted, I’ve grown up now and I understand to be thankful for my employment and keep myself enjoying where I am. But wanting to shut out the situation and delve in my little dream world of writing and books and stories and my journal (now my blog; hence the Twittering from my phone during the day), that’s still something I consider. So, it occurred to me, on Friday, that it was just how I felt in school. I didn’t want to learn math, I didn’t want to talk to people there, I just wanted to be in my own little dream world. I’m glad I have come out of that shell in many ways, but still, the world of what’s important to me is the best place. At least there’s stuff going on there rather than just the sounds of a Xerox machine going and an occasional phone ringing in the distance. Yeah, it’s that quiet in there. Thank God for iTunes.
Sitting here with my coffee on Wednesday, listening to church on television. This always helps me get motivated for the morning. The whole message is about not complaining about your situation because you’re lucky to have what you have. I understand. I want to complain about worrying about how boring work could be if I don’t have anymore work to do today. Sitting there for 8 and 1/2 hours without anything to do is torture. Yes, there are podcasts, but trying to keep a positive attitude that I have work is the only way to get through it. It’s funny; I went through so much stress as a teacher, now I have no stress at all. No stress must make me nuts; that’s no kind of way to be.
I really am wondering if working is just not for me. I mean, to be out of the house so much. I just like being at home. I can busy myself with so many things around. I understand the need for money but, yeah, I’d rather do what I want to do. That was always the case with me. Too bad I gave up on being a full time writer. I could stay home for that and have a job I liked. Anyway, no complaining. I’ll think up stories while I’m at work today.
It’s Sunday but I have tomorrow off as well. It took me all of Saturday to get rested. I was in no mental state for blog writing. There was no interest in anything; shopping, video games, television, library classes, blogging…none of it. Now the morning is quite quiet and I’m finishing up my coconut coffee; have to go back to Target and get more of this stuff.
I’m disappointed in my weight loss project. Since I started working I’ve not exercised as much as usual. After I talk to my mister in the evenings, it’s already after 7PM. A lot of times there have been neighborhood muscle men in the gym, hogging up the whole place with their routines. If I wait a little longer, I can get in there to do what I want, but it’s a creepy feeling to be alone in an apartment lobby after dark. So since I’ve not been as active as I was when I wasn’t working and had the day to get myself exercised and eat very little meals all day, I’ve not lost an ounce. I’ve followed my Weight Watchers plan as usual but still, I’ve not budged. Very annoying and extremely disappointing. At least the work is only temporary so if there’s any positives about being unemployed, it’s that I can get control of my weight easier.
Work picked up this week too though, which I was grateful for. On Friday I was running the show for a bit, then had to help someone with something all day. As long as I have things to do, keep myself busy and the day goes by at a quick pace, I’m fine. But without having some kind of work to be done, I feel like I’ll go mad with boredom. I thought about, the other day, how it was all in my attitude; I was stressed to the max as a teacher and now I have no stress. I need to be grateful for that and just get on with it. It’s just when forced to sit and do nothing comes along, when I can’t read or write or sleep or play online, that’s when I go crazy. It’s a panicky feeling I get when I walk into work, knowing I’ll be bored all day. Again, it was the same feeling I had as a high school girl. Hated just having to sit there, not doing the things I wanted to do. That’s why I always wanted to go to the library so I’d have privacy to read and write and be left alone. I don’t mind being out of the house and having a schedule. I just want to spend my days doing what I want to do with my life. Sure, that sounds immature maybe, but I’ve just not found the job that I love. I really like the job I have now, I honestly do. But on the days when there’s nothing to do, I want to run from the building screaming. I even fantasize about driving away, just because I can.
I have an update on my lovely new, used Blackberry Curve as well. So I bought new housing for it, again, so now it’s a nice, pearly pink. However, the keyboard that came with it had the keys in the wrong place, so like V and W were switched, A and Q as well. Plus, the backing to the silly thing wasn’t even functional. Nothing to connect to the battery to make it connect to the phone’s motherboard. What a dodgy thing! So I complained to the seller, and, luckily, had parts to replace the bad parts with. Now it seems to be fine, so hopefully I won’t be fighting with it anymore. I want an iPhone though. I’ve started dreaming about one and all its apps. While I’m working, I need to get one, that’s all there is to it.
I also have to start laptop shopping. I’ll need one by December.
But with all of that said, I’ve finally ordered my iPhone 3GS so I’m happy. I got it straight from the Apple store. Nothing dodgy from Ebay. It will take a few days to get here and then I’m ready to play. I’m so excited. I’ll have to sell old, new Curve though. Meh, at least with all the extra housing I have for it, it should get some of what I paid for it.
Is it right to love gadgets this much?
Now it’s late on Saturday night and it’s time to post this entry. I’ve not gone to the gym, though I though I would tonight. A nap ended up being more desirable. Oh well, there’s always the whole rest of the week to go down there for 40 minutes and gain a few extra food points for the week. Weight Watchers really is a handy plan. Oh and, duh. I did lose a pound this week. Hooray!
The money’s been taken out for my iPhone, so it will be here this week. The housing that was all messed up from my Curve was offered to be returned for a refund. I’ll take the seller up on that. Then I can sell the actual phone out, after I get my iPhone. I’ve had nothing but problems with that Curve (not the actual functioning of it; just my tinkering with it never worked out) so I’ll be glad to take some money for it and send it elsewhere.
I’m glad to have another day to hang about the place and relax. Tomorrow I’ll go to Wal-Mart with Mom, then come home, go to the gym, then check my library classes for what assignments I need to do. I had planned on trying to get my teacher classes done, but I’m going to drop those too. The library classes are just way too much, now that I see the syllabi and the weekly assignments. Plus, there’s no sense in taking them now when I know I’m not going to live in Florida for more than a year; no point in getting a teaching certificate for a place you won’t be staying in, right? So that will be some money back in my account. I’ll only have an income for a few more weeks anyway.
http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=117
Talk like an open book
There’s something to having a blog that doesn’t have your name directly linked. It’s not that I talk about anything I wouldn’t talk to with someone I saw directly, I just like having the freedom. There’s a nice, easy feel to knowing I have a blog that’s just for me, just to write down what I think and feel, without someone coming into work saying, “Hey, I read your post last night.” Not that it really matters, but still. Privacy is always the better option. Plus, I need to write all the time so not having a blog where I write openly is not an option. Hence, I keep my veiled existence over here for just me and my mister to know the truth about.
It’s weird how I can make myself do what I need to do in the morning. I guess I have been getting into bed at a good time. It’s better than dreading the day and wishing I could be home to take a nap. I guess my attitude is always the main thing to keep in check. If I think it’s awful, it will be. If I don’t, it won’t.
Tuesday means not Monday. I keep getting ready earlier than I need to be, which is good. Less rushing around, trying to get on the road by 7:00PM. So I have a little over a month of work, so that’s some money coming. Then I got word that my Student Loans will deposit some extra cash in my account. I’ve decided to take this as a sign to pay off these piddley credit cards. Now, the consolidation loan, I just can’t pay. I’d have to save and save and then pay off in, oh, who knows. But I can make a plan and a budget and get on the right track. One of the girls at work suggest I read Dave Ramsey’s book, so I ordered that. I started listening to him on the radio on the way home as well. At least I know that there’s hope, I’m not the only one with this problem and there are people in worse shape than I am.
And now it’s Saturday, which brings me to the end of my blog updating. I didn’t write much during the week, unfortunately. I’m still playing with this used Blackberry Curve 8310. I changed out the housing because the back button, to the right of the trackball, was chipped. Plus the screen was dusty inside. It just needed a bit of an overhaul. I’m not 100% pleased with my housing and handy work right now, as the trackball doesn’t like to go left as easily as it should. I’ve also discovered that the screws are old, presumably, and the head of them got stripped out when I tried to get them out. Now I’ve ordered new screws, pink housing and a silicone case to match. Here’s hoping I get it sorted and am happy with it in the end. At least it works well and I have plenty of things I can do with it. I mean, the Yahoo mail and Facebook applications are enough to make me content. It was mainly the ease of texting. The Pearl 8100 I have was just driving me crazy. At least now I have a full keyboard, can see my pictures with the larger screen and make videos (whenever I get a chance to try that option out, I can post that too.)
Aside from that, work has been okay. It was hard for me on Friday to get through the day because it was the end of my first full week back. I had sleepy eyes from the start, especially since I had stayed up a bit later playing with this silly phone. If I get to sleep too early, I’m tired the next day. If I sleep too little, I get that hazy, dream-like feeling. Only with seven hours sleep can I function well. It’s easier to fight off the halogen lights overhead, the lack of windows, the lack of noise in the place, and the constant staring at a bunch of numbers on a computer screen. I started listening to podcasts on my iPod instead, just so I can have something feeding and entertaining my brains while I sit there. I try to not count down the hours that I’ve worked or still have to work. The clock never moves fast enough if I do. I try to just keep my mind of the work and what I’m listening to and let time take care of itself. Some days it’s hard though.
So that’s about all that I have for the physical, daily side of my life. I’m still on my diet, still trying to get rid of the weight I gained over the past year or so. I was eating my salad tonight and thinking about the correlation between happiness and weight. You’re miserable and loathe yourself when you’re too big. Then when you lose weight and get smaller and smaller, it’s like another misery. Never being small enough and having to keep working until you’re satisfied. Now, when you’re content and happy, a nice, medium, healthy size is what we, or at least I, end up being. So it’s not too big, but it’s not as small as I could be. And when I’m okay with that and am working at it little by little, still keeping strong in the ways of eating right, then I’ve won any battle that has to do with food. I understand how hard it is, when there are things that taste so good and you just can’t have it anymore. Before, I ate Burger King and pizza and didn’t care. Now I can’t do that anymore and I’m smaller. My clothes fit better. I’m happier to dress up when I go to work because I have a better, all around appearance.
I still think I should write my book on lessons I’ve learned for myself. Granted, the blog serves as this outlet for discussing such things, but a book would work if it had that distinct focus. Hhmm…
Anyway, I’m trying to think of what else to talk about in here. I’ve not gone to the gym as much because of work. That concerns me a bit because it also means I’m not reading as much either. (At least I have the podcasts though.) I won’t spend this weekend doing much. I’m still trying to download applications for the phone and finding something good on TV (there’s never anything good on, I have to admit). I’ve been in the mood for Fall now that it’s around the corner. I keep thinking about the times when the air was cool and crisp, and I was out getting pies from Honey Baked Ham. I like those memories, but I like that I’ll have new ones in the future. I was thinking that in the bath tonight too, about how, miraculously, when we get older and wiser we stop caring about such stupid things. The past doesn’t matter as much, our insecurities, or worries, none of them are really as big of a deal when we get more mature. I’m glad of that.
http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=115
Everybody just want to play the lead
I’m going to start this blog post now and post it whenever I get ready to do so. Maybe tonight, maybe Friday, maybe not until the weekend. I’ve had a bit of a rejuvenation in my post interests, which is usually how it goes. Post a few, stay a way for a while, post once, wait… But I’ve been having the feeling of being in high school, or even elementary school again. Like when the time at school always seemed fun just because I had other things of interest that I could think about while I sat at a desk around my friends.
I got my call back to work last Friday and I started back yesterday (Wednesday.) It was a complete surprise since the whole space program is going topsy-tervy very soon. People are getting laid off and our company is going from one thing into two, uncertain companies next year. So just being able to hang out for a little over a month is nice. Get some money, hang out and be around everyone again. Have some motivation from day to day. Yeah, it’s like going to school. Like the first week of school when it’s familiar but new all at the same time and you feel excited for that second chance at something you’re use to.
It’s Friday now and I’ve had a good first few days back to work. I couldn’t start on Monday this week so I only have three days in so far. But the rest of the weeks, I’ll have all of my 40 hours in, but no overtime. Since, again, the company is going into a new phase next year, I’m not sure what will happen now that the first set of people will be leaving around the same time I will.
Now on Saturday, I will post this entry. It’s nothing much, but it’s better than letting the blog sit here for months at a time without any action. I got the Blackberry Curve in the mail from Ebay, so I have to set it up with the Twitter mobile options and such. (No, I don’t have the Blackberry account set up; just the basics.) Once I get it figured all out, I can use it to Twitter some more from work or something. And everyone loves Twitter. Ha ha. I looked into getting my Tumblr account updated with everything else. I found it was way too hard to keep messing with all the mirror sites and cross posting. Just the basic ones are going to have to be okay for me. The whole purpose is to keep things less cluttered, more manageable.
Anyway, i think if I do write something each morning, I can do all right with keeping things updated. Granted, there’s not much to say about work. I sit at my desk, sort papers, enter things in databases. Nothing really is going on since the Space Program is dwindling down. Well, I mean it’s starting up in a new direction, but it’s not with our company, so once the shuttle goes, a lot of people will go. People are already going, my Dad included, so it’s already beginning; that whole change over into a new, uncertain chapter in Space Exploration.
The only other mention I have is with friends again. One of my friends from high school is someone I still talk to once in a while in email and texts. And I just can’t let that go any further. I can’t go visit, I can’t really participate in keeping a lot of communication up. It’s just the same things with her and I cut off ties with that a long time ago when I realized how it was hindering me rather than anything. This is the same with my recent break off of friendships. I had to just let that go even though I knew it would probably upset her. But when it came right down to it, I had nothing to connect with her on anymore. She wanted me to do things for her constantly despite what I had going on in my own life. And I’m not the type to confront anyone if they’ve hurt me, so I just let the whole thing go. I’ve thought about it a lot lately, but once I got back to work, I realized I was only thinking about it because I was just out of productivity mode. Once I started using my time wisely, the revelation came that I’m doing the best thing for me and I shouldn’t feel guilty. None of my separation from any former friends is to be cruel, it’s just that I’m a different person and the connection of common ground isn’t there anymore. I don’t want to be yelled at, cursed at, used as a doormat or an outlet for negative babble. I’m a happy person and I want to be surrounded by happy people. What I had before was far from happy and I have no intention of going back. I have clear goals in mind. No one in my past was supportive or caring to begin with, I was just the one who didn’t put up a fuss. Now I just don’t want to say anything to them anymore. Past things don’t have much impact on me anymore.
Well, aside from the dream I had about my Grandma last night. I called her on the phone, I was going to visit her in Ohio. I remember in the dream, I was trying to make it be her voice I heard on the line, but it’s funny how voices get removed from our memory. We have to hear them again to remember. I think my Great Uncle had the last video of her before she died, and I remember seeing it long ago. Who knows where that stuff is. It could still be in that house; the house that my Great Grandparents raised their family in. I miss Ohio a bit for things like that. I won’t mind when my parents move back after Dad leaves work and I can get out of Florida in my own direction.
http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=112
Whatever you want, the choice is yours, so choose
{Deep breath}
Okay, in order to update in a reasonable manner, I’ll have to make a list. I can expand on the list, and comment on the list, but a list will have to do. This is my list of what’s happened in the last couple months and what I’m planning on getting done in the near future.
{Another deep breath} Here goes…
- Found out that I have (at least one) ulcer.
- Ever since I had my problems with my gallbladder, what, 3 years ago, I’ve woken up to this horrible, empty belly pain. Turns out that once it got worse, then wouldn’t go away, meant I was in trouble. I tried to get the hospital to help me, no good. Went to a doctor, who wouldn’t take the pain away, but gave me Nexium to take. Now that I’m almost done with that month and a half’s supply, I feel quite good now. I just know when the signs show up, to heed them immediately.
- Went through my summer term at library school.
- I got that all over with and now will start again at the end of August to work on three classes for Fall term. This has turned out to be harder than I thought it would be, but I keep on. I like it and I feel accomplished in it, plus I’m doing the core classes anyway, which is a lot of techy stuff. I’ll get through it though and be done sometime in Fall/Winter of next year.
- Started online Weight Watchers
- Due to the ulcer business, I knew it had to be done. I thought the online program was going to be stupid, but it ends up quite the contrary. I like having it keep track of everything I eat, and my exercises all in one handy, dandy web interface. It’s definitely a life saver.
- Enrolled in teacher classes.
- I’m not as jazzed about this as I once was, but I’ll give it a shot. If I end up a school librarian, it will be good for me. Plus, it may be transferrable (the Professional Certificate) when I go somewhere else, so I’ll do it.
- Got back on Unemployment Compensation.
- After trying to call them for 2 months over a “just a couple of days” situation, I finally got my benefits sorted, so I have something coming in again. I’m still trying to stretch my financial aid money out as much as possible. If I find a job, even if it’s another temp job, my benefits are extended so, it’s a nice thing to rely on until I get my lovely future librarian job. Ahh…
- I may get another aerospace job.
- I’ve talked to two recruiters who could place me into a job like I was doing, or even doing administrative assistant/clerical type work. My only limits to this search are location; I figured out that driving all over Central Florida for a low paying job did not make it worthwhile to my bank account. Granted, if that’s all I can get, it’s all I can get. But still, I’m not up for the long commute. I use to like driving but now in my 32nd year, I’ve decided it’s pretty boring and I’d rather not be in the car too long anymore.
- My birthday is coming up!
- I really just want a nice dinner and some things to go toward my trip in December to see my Mister. ;-) Since it will be cold, I’m more inclined to get some Ugg boots and a nice coat. I’d like a bigger suitcase too. The ones I have from when last time are fine but having one to contend with instead of two may work out better. We’ll see. All I know is, I can’t wait!
- I think I’ve stopped needing to write.
- Amazing how happiness can make you not need to write down every minute detail of your life. It’s amazing too how, as I always say, I’m on a side road; leaving the highway I was on, going towards a new one.
- It’s not that I don’t have that desire sometimes, like that memory of how I use to have to write all the time. It’s not that I want to quit all together or that I don’t think it’s worth it. It’s just not a desperate need anymore. It’s more of an accomplishment, a polishing off of the day.
- I have no desire for my life as it was either.
- There is nothing in me that wants to go out and do what I use to, or be who I was, or even hang out with who I did. It’s not because of anger or malice in anyway, it’s just something unfruitful to me that had to be cut off. People change, and I’ve done a huge, wonderful amount of it. I’m still amazed at how much I’ve changed and thankful for it every day.
- I can’t let go of this blog though.
- For whatever reason, this blog holds an outlet for me to just type and express my thoughts. Granted it was a big ball of widget mess a while back, and I’m not using all the account I once had that goes along with this blog. Heck, I haven’t even gone through and cleaned up all of my links. But still, here it is, my blog that I pull up occasionally to rejuvenate its timeline.
http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=110
The soul for getting down
If there is anyone who epitomizes my generation, it's Michael Jackson. This isn't from out teenage angst years, this is from our youth. That time when we were all alike and we all liked the same music. I remember wearing my Thriller album out and having to get another one. I remember watching this video over and over again. I remember having not one, but two, Michael Jackson Barbie dolls who was cooler than Ken any day. I remember Michael Jackson being the most amazing thing on television and knowing all the words to every song. A big part of my childhood was about his music.
I heard on the news this morning that people in my age group won't think of Michael Jackson as the weirdo, or the alleged offender. We'll think of his music and his icon status. I think that's accurate. He was someone who brought great joy to us of our 80s generation and despite all of his problems and all of his eccentricities, we still were mesmerized by seeing him on stage.
I still believe he had a gentle soul and simply could not handle the real world. I don't think he had the capacity to harm anyway and I think he was a target for exploitation and thieves who took advantage of him. This may or may not be true, but we're not the ones to judge him. Now none of that matters anyway.
So Rest in Peace, Michael. I'm glad you are finally able to be free from any pain you had in life and are finally able to be yourself without scrutiny, shame or loneliness. You will be dearly missed and always in our hearts.
http://www.deloresdefacto.com/?p=107